Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Showdown

Its officially war.

For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter, the demon critter revealed himself Tuesday night.

I'm just innocently brushing my teeth and what goes scurrying by my bathroom door? The demonic vermin that at one point had me thinking I was hearing things and needed to be on anti-psychotics.

It goes without saying that I shit my pants and ran screaming in the opposite direction. I went left, demon vermin went right.

I have been sleeping on my couch for the last two nights and I can't walk around barefoot in my own home. I have been mozing around my crib in my nightgown and freakin' boots.
I'm just gonna let you bask in the glory of that visual a moment....

I am literally being held hostage in my living room by a friggin' terrorist mouse.

I do not mean to set women back 50 years, but I am SO not equipped to deal with this shit. I am crying inside. I have never wanted male friends/boyfriend/my father/my brother so badly in my whole life.

So yesterday I put my big girl pants on and I bought some traps and some peanut butter - apparently these mini-satans love them some PB.

Yes. Thats organic crunchy peanut butter you're seeing. This is a very health conscious mouse. I saw it in his evil eyes.

So, I put these suckers all over my kitchen and my bedroom (where I think it lives) and prayed some serious Hail Marys hoping I'd just hear the sweet sweet music of a trap snapping shut. Nada, zip, zilch.

I wake up this morning confident that I will be victorious. I check the traps. NUTHIN'. Oh, but don't worry the little effer waltzed his disease-filled ass right past a trap, up my pantry and chewed through an entire box of food. He also made sure to shit his way across my stove before he went back to his dwellings. A total nut shot.  I just got a straight kick to the baby maker from a mouse.

He laughed in the face of my traps and crunchy, peanut-buttery goodness.

So goes down. I am going back to the store buying 5 bajillion mousetraps, some dryer sheets (apparently they don't love them some dryer sheets - very picky critters) and this effer is gonna die.

Its on like donkey kong.


  1. So when I was in college, we had a lizard rat living in our door frame. What is a lizard rat, you ask? is some sort of scary, effin' hybrid of a lizard and a mouse/rat (I hear rats are larger, but mice are just as freakin' scary, no?). (We only ever saw its tail, and we could never tell if it was furry or scaly...) This creature would peek out when we would open the door, sometimes scurrying under the door when we were safe inside with the door closed. We never devised a plan to catch it--just prayed for it to go away. I imagine it is probably still alive because our apartment had some weird juju, and our fish that was NEVER fed managed to live for months because it fed on the bad vibes of the place. Moral of this story? RUN!

  2. This post cracked me up. You get that mouse girl!

    When I was in college I had some guy friends who lived together in the most disgusting guy house ever. They found a rat living in their couch. I decided that I couldn't be friends with them anymore upon hearing the story.

  3. Im sorry you have to deal with that! Idk what i would do if i ever saw a mouse in my house i would probably move lol! IF i freak the hell out when i see a spinderomg a mouse would give me aheartattack! Good luck and Kill that suckaaa!