Friday, November 9, 2012

I Wish You Were Less Naked

I woke up at 5:30 this morning to go to the gym. I don't even know who is staring back at me in the mirror any more.

But don't you worry my shoulders currently feel like I'm in a perma-shrug and the Karate Kid is throwing ninja stars at my quads every time I go to sit down while Mr. Miyagi nunchucks my abdomen. Fitness folks, fitness.

In this edition of FreakShow Friday we are going to discuss something that is as equally puzzling as it is horrifying.

Old ladies in gym locker rooms.


Why must they be so liberal with their wrinkled lady bits? I die a little inside every time I see the face of a sweet Grandma tainted forever as she throws one of her elasticized ta-tas over her shoulder.

Why must they wander aimlessly with the whole shebang flopping out in the wind? I am ALL for women being comfortable with their bodies. You wont see me cowering in a corner doing the awkward "try to pull your bra out of your sports bra" move, but you also wont see me basking in the glory of my own nudity! You get in, get your ass showered, changed, whathaveyou and get the eff out. 

Old ladies have missed this memo. They're all "I'm old and don't give an eff. I'm gonna jam out with my clam out." 

I was bombarded this morning. I came out of my shower wrapped in my towel like a normal human and was immediately face smacked with the visual of 70-something woman brushing her teeth ass naked. She could've tucked her gajungies in her belt. It may have changed my stance on plastic surgery.

I quickly turn the corner.


Old lady in JUST her nylons doing an Irish jig on the scale. Newsflash, nylons cover zero of yourself. I don't need to see your happy hoo-ha dance at 7am. 

Moral of this FreakShow Friday. Its awesome that older women are all up in the gym working on their fitness, but there needs to be a training course upon their membership that includes how not to terrorize the locker room with the reckless slinging of their "prized posessions."

I hope the visual of my morning haunts your day. Its haunting mine so I require that we suffer together. Thats what friends do, riiiight?? Now excuse me while I fight my urge to drown my naked lady sorrows in chicken fingers from Culvers. 


  1. LMAo love this & totally agree! They do the exact same thingat my gym! Im all if the twenty year olds with hod bodies are clothed what makes u like u can roam around butt naked!

  2. Hahaha. Wow. My mind hurts now! You're hilarious!

  3. hahahaha this just made my day! Hilarious.

  4. I'm cracking up, literally lol'ing in the middle of work. As always, hilarious

  5. HAHAHHA!!! love it you're hilarious!!
    As much as I find it grose, I do love how they have the confidence to just walk around like that!

  6. Just died while reading this in class!! Kayla, relived the laughter with me! Bravo, and good luck with your future locker room visits! :)