Friday, December 28, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Its the first FreakShow Friday in a while! *Insert the parade of excitement you all are feeling here*
Today I want to talk about how I become the World Champion of awkward when I'm put in uncomfortable/nerve wracking/anxiety provoking situations. I say horrifying things that would make you want to stand in a corner hugging yourself from second-hand embarrassment.
I am not proud of this. Its just the way it is.
Whats that? You want examples? Ask and you shall receive.
First, lets discuss me meeting the creep-show new employee the other day. Let me preface this by saying homeboy was straight To Catch A Predator creepy. So much so that he's already been deemed "not the right fit for our team".
So he comes walking past my cube the other day and I say, "Hi! Welcome! I'm Megan" *shakes hand*
So now starts the part when I feel uncomfortable and turn into a socially inept being.
My response? "(uncomfortable laugh) Big Gulps, eh? Welp. See ya later (uncomfortable laugh) (rolls office chair away)"
WHAT MEGAN?! WHAT?
Tell me why, in that situation, the ONLY thing I could think to say was a Dumb and Dumber quote. I couldn't just be normal and say "well, welcome to the team. Nice to meet you." No I had to out-weird him.
Next, lets talk about why I cannot be trusted on a blind date.
Let me break this down for you.
I'm going on a blind date with a tall, handsome, successful guy.
I talk this guy up so much in my head I feel like I'm going to vomit all over my steering wheel en route to the restaurant.
We sit at the bar for drinks and start chatting.
Enter the "silent pause between conversation topics"
Enter Megan panicking.
Enter Awkward Megan.
I start off safe, "so do you have any siblings?"
"So you're an only child! Wow. So does that mean you like to be alone?"
"um. no, not always."
I'm scrambling now
"Oh, so do you want to have kids?"
Stop Megan. STOP.
"Uhhh, yeah I want to have kids."
Megan, just admit that you panicked and you realize how psycho that sounded.
"Oh yeah? So like, just one or more?"
-look of horror on his face -
"No, probably not just one."
-He runs screaming for the door-
-I proceed to slowly place my head on the bar and try to hide from shame-
I swear I didn't even care about his hopes for procreating. It wasn't me talking, it was the awkward demon that takes hold of me every time I get nervous.
I know. I now drink a cocktail (or 2, or 4) before any date. I clearly cannot be trusted without being "medicated".
Thursday, December 13, 2012
"I keep thinking today is Tuesday" = me.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I know we'll find each other again. We always do. I can already picture our glorious reunion. I'll be base tanned and wearing strappy sandals as I wait in the airport headed to the Virgin Islands. I'll have my Bad Bitch Posse (*cough* E & Kay *cough*) in toe and you? You will be there at some trashy airport Chili's beckoning me across the terminal, whispering sweet nothings as I request your cold, refreshing touch from an airport bartender who undoubtedly hates his life. Then upon first sip, I will be wasted.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
- No one is ever in my apartment but me and the demon critter. Well - even he doesn't come around any more since I tried to kill him (weird), so yeah, just me. Perhaps the lack of superawesomefunandglamorous cocktail parties thrown in my residence makes me feel like decorating is pointless.
- My feelings of Christmas spirit are in direct correlation with spending time with my family. Don't get me wrong I will cry in my car listening to "Christmas Shoes" like any other sobby betch out there and I will throw every penny, paperclip, and lint ball I can pull out of the depths of my purse for those bell ringers, but I don't honestly feel the warmth and joy of Christmas until I'm surrounded by the people I love most in the world. I don't think decking my own halls will change that. I could be wrong. Maybe filling my vases with ornaments and decorating a tree would get me to that place of Holiday bliss long before I arrive at my parents'. I just can't imagine it.
Does the cheese stand alone on this one? Am I the only chick up in dis bitch who doesn't have a single thing of glitter or tinsel in her bachelorette pad?
I do have a snowman cookie jar my brother's ex-girlfriend gave my mom that I managed to steal in my move. I'd put him out, but I'm afraid all my Christmas spirit will make him come alive and start marching up and down my street with all my neighbors singing in toe. I don't have enough Xanax to handle that shit.