Its the first FreakShow Friday in a while! *Insert the parade of excitement you all are feeling here*
Today I want to talk about how I become the World Champion of awkward when I'm put in uncomfortable/nerve wracking/anxiety provoking situations. I say horrifying things that would make you want to stand in a corner hugging yourself from second-hand embarrassment.
I am not proud of this. Its just the way it is.
Whats that? You want examples? Ask and you shall receive.
First, lets discuss me meeting the creep-show new employee the other day. Let me preface this by saying homeboy was straight To Catch A Predator creepy. So much so that he's already been deemed "not the right fit for our team".
So he comes walking past my cube the other day and I say, "Hi! Welcome! I'm Megan" *shakes hand*
So now starts the part when I feel uncomfortable and turn into a socially inept being.
My response? "(uncomfortable laugh) Big Gulps, eh? Welp. See ya later (uncomfortable laugh) (rolls office chair away)"
WHAT MEGAN?! WHAT?
Tell me why, in that situation, the ONLY thing I could think to say was a Dumb and Dumber quote. I couldn't just be normal and say "well, welcome to the team. Nice to meet you." No I had to out-weird him.
Next, lets talk about why I cannot be trusted on a blind date.
Let me break this down for you.
I'm going on a blind date with a tall, handsome, successful guy.
I talk this guy up so much in my head I feel like I'm going to vomit all over my steering wheel en route to the restaurant.
We sit at the bar for drinks and start chatting.
Enter the "silent pause between conversation topics"
Enter Megan panicking.
Enter Awkward Megan.
I start off safe, "so do you have any siblings?"
"So you're an only child! Wow. So does that mean you like to be alone?"
"um. no, not always."
I'm scrambling now
"Oh, so do you want to have kids?"
Stop Megan. STOP.
"Uhhh, yeah I want to have kids."
Megan, just admit that you panicked and you realize how psycho that sounded.
"Oh yeah? So like, just one or more?"
-look of horror on his face -
"No, probably not just one."
-He runs screaming for the door-
-I proceed to slowly place my head on the bar and try to hide from shame-
I swear I didn't even care about his hopes for procreating. It wasn't me talking, it was the awkward demon that takes hold of me every time I get nervous.
I know. I now drink a cocktail (or 2, or 4) before any date. I clearly cannot be trusted without being "medicated".