Friday, January 25, 2013

Freak on a Leash

Its colder than a witch's tit here.
I'm not saying that to face slap you with screen shots of my weather app....oh wait... 
I know you all are like blahblahblah you live in the frozen tundra we get it, weather updates are more boring than cranberry juice without vodka. 
But I'm telling you all of this because...ITS FREAKSHOW FRIDAY!
Aaaand my freaks of the week are the BATSHIT CAH-RAZY people who are still riding their bikes in this arctic hell hole. 

Yes. I clicked every way to mutate the text so you could understand the insanity that is someone riding their bicycle in negative temperatures.
My emotions have surpassed shock/mildly fascinated and now I'm just pissed/concerned for their mental health.

I'm over here freezing my tits off in the quick jaunt from apt to vehicle and they're all "I'm gonna just slap on some ski goggles and snowpants and peddle my frozen little heart out to work today."
What. The. Efff?!

Reasons this pisses me off:

1. They are making me feel bad about myself. 
I'm over here crying bitch baby tears into my iPhone friendly gloves cuz my car is taking too long to heat up and using negative temps as an excuse to eat copious amounts of mash potatoes and watch Top Chef and Project Runway reruns all day. Yet here comes some polar bear esque human who is just all, "Oh the air that feels like frozen daggers to my face? No biggie. I'm just gonna be all up in the streets workin' on my fitness."

2. They are being nice to Mother Earth while I want to kick her in her lady bits. 

3. The snowbanks are already making the roads narrow enough, I don't need to worry about hitting you on top of everything else. 
Bikers make me nervous to begin with, but I can't feel my face from my 10ft walk, let alone my fingers. I can't count on my dexterity to do a swift paranoid swerve (you all know this maneuver when it comes to cyclists) when you come speed peddling by at freakish speeds no human should be able to reach on such thin wheels. 
So while my first inclination was to be impressed, I'm now just thinking about calling the psych ward and have them bring a paddy wagon on down to my hood and pick all these crazies.


  1. As always, you crack me the hell up!
    And reminded me why I'm GLAD I live in Alabama where it was predicted we would have freezing rain & ice on the roads so EVERYONE & their mother decided yesterday they'd open 2 hours late...only to wake up this morning to find the temps 45º & weathermen blush with embarrassment.

  2. I didn't realize you were in Minneapolis. I love in Minneapolis to. We have an awesome group of bloggers that meets up..

    I hate the bikers in the cold. They seem to be all over.